I do not want to become my mother

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project © Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project © Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project View all images ↓
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Langenhoven's project "I do not want to become my mother" explores the complex relationship between mothers and daughters, reflecting on societal expectations and limitations placed on women, through archives and performative self-portraiture.

"The paradox of systematically becoming our mothers despite our best attempts not to makes one question the very nature of one of our closest and foundational relationships. It is impossible to count the number of times one thinks or utters the phrase — “I do not want to become my mother.” We are so entangled in that reality that we invariably retain remnants, irrespective of our own best ambitions not to.

In this work, Stefanie Langenhoven utilises the photobook to stage a visceral deconstruction of inherited identity. The work operates within a liminal, surrealistic space where memory, domesticity, and identity collide....Langenhoven attempts to dismantle the sanitised mythology of mid-to-late 20th-century white suburban domesticity. This personal excavation unfolds against the heavy, unspoken backdrop of apartheid-era South Africa. It explores the fractures of female mental health during the 1970s and 1980s — an oppressive era that structurally and socially compressed women into rigid, performance-based roles...

This crack in reality widens through Langenhoven’s use of surreal performative portraiture, where the absurdity of these prescribed domestic scripts is physically enacted. In these frames, the body itself rebels against its surroundings: legs literally disappear down into a gossip table, or she drops her head directly into a plate of jelly. The metaphors externalise the suffocating, messy, and melting realities of the housewife role. The domestic interior becomes a site of absurd physical consumption, where the woman is swallowed by the very furniture and food she is expected to manage....

Now occupying the dual position of daughter and mother, Langenhoven uses the camera not to judge past eccentricities, but to perform a radical act of empathy and individuation. By stepping into the frame and submerging herself in the surreal, she directly confronts the quiet anxiety of maternal replication. She stands inside the spaces of domestic history, yet by making those spaces visible, she shifts their power. The work uses the sequential nature of the photobook to gently break a generational echo chamber, confronting the ghosts of a highly specific past to author a self-determined autonomy for the future." Excerpt of the foreword by Michelle Loukidis, founder of Through The Lens Collective from my photobook "I do not want to become my mother"

My project "I do not want to become my mother" is a deeply personal exploration of my complex relationship with my mom, shaped by the societal expectations and limitations placed on women in my culture which was largely based on toxic patriarchy. Growing up in apartheid-era South Africa, she was expected to prioritise her role as a mother and caregiver, suppressing her own artistic aspirations and political views. Being a child, I was oblivious of the turmoil our country was going through at the time. As I grew older, I began to see the toll this took on her, and from a young age I witnessed it all culminating in a debilitating depression that made me fear I'd follow a similar path.

I realised that what happens between mothers and daughters is often a reflection of the broader societal context – the way women are valued, the roles they're expected to fulfil, and the dreams they're discouraged from pursuing. My mother was expected to carry this generational trauma, and often she was made to feel silenced, she simply had to acquiesce to what was expected of her, and so this was my role model as well. We spend our childhood watching our moms, soaking in how she thinks, how she feels, how she behaves and does things, and particularly how she feels about herself. Through this project, I'm trying to understand my mom's experiences, and my own, by reimagining memories and exploring our relationship through archival family photos and performative self-portraiture. The archival images depict a sense of normalcy, when things were far from normal. By working with my mom and involving her in the process, I'm slowly uncovering the complexities of our bond and the ways in which our experiences are intertwined.

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
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My parents became Christians and started going to church when my brother was in high school. It had a very cultish vibe. The pastor’s wife had a women’s group, where a lot of the church women gathered. She influenced them, told them that it’s a sin to put makeup on and to have sex with your husband other than to have a child. She told them how to dress and behave and how to serve their husbands.

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
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I loved my dad. I looked up to him. He was a very wise and knowledgeable man. He was my rock and very gentle. We had a very good relationship. I went to him for advice. I asked him for advice when I had to decide what I wanted to study. I wanted to study drama at university, but my dad discouraged me — he said that wasn’t such a good choice for a woman...(my mother's reflections)

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
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Formula milk was like a blessing! It was something you could use, but we didn’t know that it wasn’t so good for your baby....Breastfeeding was frowned upon, because the African people breastfed their babies in public unashamedly, it wasn’t accepted in our Afrikaans culture. (my mother's reflections)

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
i

My sister was about eighteen years old when she went to visit my uncle who was a pastor, for counselling. During the session he implied that she was now an adult and made sexual advances towards her. She was so shocked and didn’t know what to do. She was so naive that she really didn’t know what was happening until it happened....(my mother's reflections)

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
i

We did things for each other and we created a lovely community. But on the other hand, it felt as if we were governed by fear. So, you’re not allowed to do certain things and there were certain rules that women were seen as less than the men. Your main role was to look after the family and the children, and to be a good girl. You... you must stay in line as was expected of you as a woman.

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
i

While it was happening — while we were at the beach or wherever we were — I was so busy and concerned with my family and bringing up the children that wasn’t a main concern. It was only later, when I thought back and I was more aware of the wrongness of what happened, that I felt deeply uncomfortable. I feel ashamed that I never really gave it any thought at the time. (my mother on segregation)

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
i

I felt very ashamed of the fact that I was so seriously depressed and had to take medication. I didn’t want to talk about it to my family or to my friends. When I phoned my mother and told her about it, she became quiet and told me Christians don’t get depression....It’s just a no-no to have depression. It’s shameful. A stigma. (My mother's reflections)

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
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Later after my two eldest children left the house I did an art course at Unisa University. I studied for an art degree but I didn’t finish it. I stopped because it was during the time my eldest son was killed in a car accident. A year after his death I made art to try and process his death, but things became very chaotic and difficult... (my mother's reflections)

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
i

I entertained because it was expected of me. Big family gatherings, big parties, up to seventy people, it was always a big thing. It didn’t come naturally, it was very stressful. I always felt as if I had to perform and had to get everything right, that I would be judged if everything wasn’t okay or perfect...(my mother's reflections)

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
i

I’ve always been very, very scared of snakes. I was nearly bitten by a very dangerously venomous snake, a black mamba, in the house when I was a teenager, and it was a horrible experience. Luckily my dad killed the snake, but it was in the house, he had to kill it. I basically escaped death, it was a matter of seconds! (my mother's reflections)

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
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Mom just held onto the steering wheel and stared, and said, “We can’t get out of the car — if we get out of the car the crocodiles will bite us.”

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
i

Hand written reflections between my mother and myself about the time my mother was diagnosed with depression also referencing the significance of the symbolic use of crocodiles in this work.

© Stefanie Langenhoven - Image from the I do not want to become my mother photography project
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We were visiting these people at their house. There was a man of colour in their neighbourhood, he was in the “wrong” neighbourhood. The men went outside, and they attacked him... That was really upsetting. For me it was about the violence towards somebody who did nothing wrong. It was horrible. I felt fearful to say something. I was conditioned — Don’t upset people. Don’t confront these men.