I just want to be loved

Two worlds collide in a house on a hill: a queer artist's present life in an Orthodox priest's family. A tender, unconfrontational photo project about love, identity, and relationships that keep transforming.

The story revolves around a house. This project was shot in Moscow Oblast, Zvenigorod, in Gorodok (a township whose name means «small town» in Russian). Two worlds collide in this project: the artist’s present queer life and their childhood in a traditional orthodox family. Growing up queer in an orthodox family and trying to thrive in complicated yet genuine and deep relationships built on support, acceptance, and absolute sincerity. The project explores the artist’s consciousness and identity in and out of relationships with people in their life.

The artist’s childhood home stands in a small township atop a hill surrounded by ramparts. Behind the ramparts—which were once the walls of a fortress—steep ravines begin where rivers used to flow. There’s a church in the center of the town where the girl’s father is a priest. The town on the hill is a fairy-tale world where the girl grew up, and her parents were both the creators and the main characters. The Russian Orthodox Church is an authoritarian and conservative institution heavily intertwined with the Russian state; it is an integral part of the propaganda machine. Although her parents oppose the authoritarian rule, their being a part of the institution makes the family closed and subject to predetermined rules. Queerness in the family is already a controversy inside the religious community.

The second world doesn’t present a picture this perfect. It shows the artist’s complex relationships with their loved ones as an adult. The artist’s transition into the territory of queerness is reflected in a series of self-portraits where they demonstrate their newfound identity by opening up to the camera instead of merely exploring it. The artist cautiously reveals their changing identity to their loved ones while trying to become reacquainted with their parents, who surprise them with their sincerity and inner freedom. In these pictures, the artist’s connection with the characters partly stays beyond the frame, leaving an observer’s detached, moving gaze. There is no confrontation here, only an attentive and tender attitude toward all family members, their traditions, and desires.

In 2022, war breaks out, and author are forced to flee their home. In exile, distances become acts of destruction—the loss of a home, the severing of relationships. Author are left alone.

Three years later, they return to their home to see their family. This home—and this world—continue to exist, though they will never be the same again. Within them reside trust, mutual respect, and independence. The inner and outer freedom of every individual.